passover, your pass is over, the G-d MC, me

Apr 13, 2006

passover, your pass is over, the G-d MC, me - Jehovah · by Rafi Kam

Morning-show hater Star had an interesting point the other day about how Jewish strength comes from the ritualized celebration of Jewish suffering. On passover we devote our happiest holiday to the period of captivity and slavery in Egypt. We drink salt water to remember the tears and bitter herbs to symbolize the bitter times our ancestors had to face. Those who practice the accompanying religion spend the whole meal saying prayers and reading scripted questions. Thus the dinner grows lengthy and agonizing which also could be a symbol for the length of our captivity.

Even the part of this story that’s supposed to end happily is all about suffering. We eat unleavened bread called Matzoh to remember how the Jews even when leaving Egypt couldn’t find a nice piece of soft bread. Don’t listen to Dallas Penn – he’s got it all twisted (literally). There wasn’t any challah or bialy in sight at the time. Instead they had to cook these cracka-ass-cracka things called Matzoh. And they didn’t have ovens so they had to cook this unleavened bread on their back! Are you kidding me, I don’t even like being in the sun for five minutes.

Well at least Moses led them back to Israel and they could all finally relax right? Nah, Jews don’t roll like that. After 40 years or so of wandering, Moses kvetches a little too much about his plight and G-d tells Moses that he jumped the shark decades ago. The lost Israelites come home but Moses is forbidden by the big YHWH from ever entering the promised land. Always the jokester, God asked the shocked Moses, “D-d-d-did I s-s-stutter?”

It isn’t all horseshit and vinegar though. At passover we do get to play “Hide the Afikomen.” Unfortunately the game is not nearly as dirty as it sounds.

In related Passover news…

... A few days ago I was playing chess on yahoo with a Jew from Crown Heights. When I told him that my parents don’t really keep up with any of the rituals and that I wasn’t preparing for pesach, he said I must have never tried homemade matzo. He offered to send me some and even though he was a stranger I sent him my address. Hopefully he doesn’t slaughter my family some night. That would be a lousy ending to this story but it would demonstrate some appropriate respect to Suffering.

And I wonder about this homemade matzo… How good can it be? I’ll give a report here if it arrives.

... In college I won $1,000 for this poem:

Marissa, you should eat some Matzoh.
It’s not leavened, don’t you know,
And so simple – like faith – just flour and water.
Julie says, “It tastes just like water”
which is why she likes it, especially grilled
with American cheese from nice Jewish ovens.
Not microwaved, I asked, with a side of Charoset?
No, that is not the way she was shown
by the children of Israel who she baby-sits weekly.
She learned it from them – if one can learn Matzoh
and Cheese, from these boys who have toiled for so long;
Deliverance unto the bathrom
with their Catholic sitter on the can.

They were always clever
Even Jacob who God called “Israel”
lived up to his name “Sly boots”.
Then there was my father
who my mother called “Israel”
and sometimes “Izzy” – he never
even owned a pair of boots.
But he was sly enough at that Seder,
kicking off his loafers and sleeping through the meal.

Marissa, you should eat some matzoh,
with horseradish and salty egg.
But watch out for that brisket,
it’s Good Friday don’t you know.
Relax. Recline. You look beautiful
with half a gefilte fish on your plate.
Happy Pesach e Buono Pasqua.
Dan Pasqua played for the Yankees.
He was no Sandy Koufax
but how hard he tried.

Ok I’ll be looking to dip my egg in some salty water sometime this week. Shalom.

Comments for "passover, your pass is over, the G-d MC, me - Jehovah"

you can’t hate the way a player is eatin’

— Bill Sunday Apr 13, 12:39 PM
Although I’m a terrible Jew, I did buy a bottle of Maneschevitz for a party on Friday night, and drinking a bottle of Maneschevitz is form of suffering in its own right, so that counts for something, right?

— Kerry Apr 13, 12:44 PM
As is custom, I celebrated another Jewish holiday by uploading a vaguely-semetic Jamaican song to ye old personal blog and then weaseling out of the big family dinner…

...which really isn’t that big now that the rest of the young’ns are taking to my example. (the weaseling, not the reggae)

— Sach Apr 13, 03:59 PM