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Jul 14, 2006

Aluminum Cans · by Serg

I like beer because drinking beer shows dedication and perseverance. Drinking liquor is for bitch ass motherfuckers who can’t commit to drunkness. Doing shots is cute but I’m in this game for the long run. I’m not going to cheat myself by throwing back shots with mall pussy because I know that there is no better sense of accomplishment than waking up on your living room floor with your face a little crusty surrounded by a mountain of empty beer cans that you just destroyed the fuck out of.

Drinking beer with people can teach you a shitload of crap that books and shit can not. For instance you can learn a lot about a person by what they drink. Take dudes that drink Bud Light, those guys are usually fucking bitches. If you’re going to drink shitty beer then drink real shitty beer, like Pabst or fucking Busch. Speaking of shitty beer, we have the High Life dudes. They are a strange one because in some cities it’s a hipster beer, although PBR seems to reign king with girlpants that don’t want to put too much of a dent into their art school allowance (in other locales High Life is also frequented by this group). Thing is that in other cities High Life is just another shitty beer, like Milwaukee’s Best, that broke high school kids drink for cheap. Then we have the dudes who drink Coors; those guys are usually racist assholes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone drink Coors Light in public. That shit is an embarrassment to pussies everywhere.

Guys who drink Keystone are usually retarded or they wear white hats, Ambercrombie shirts, and say bro a lot. Not to be confused with Natural Ice drinkers who don’t say bro as much. But the thing about Natural Ice is that when it is sold in the tall can you will usually find a 30’s something black male named Jimmy drinking it. Jimmy works for the city and can get you a backhoe on Sundays to clear out your ditch for about twenty bucks and some cold ones. Jimmy is cool as fuck and will even by your underaged ass some brews too if you give him a ride over to the store on east 29th(thanks Jimmy).

Then we come to the Michelob guys, who the fuck buys this shit? Those are the dudes who think beer is yucky but buy this shit because they thought those commercials from the 80’s were sophisticated. Budwieser is the beer that even if you don’t like it you learn to drink it because you can’t get away from that shit. Everyone from your mom to nascar fans drinks this shit. Oh and Budweiser Select is the new Michelob but for people who don’t remember those shitty commercials or Pontiac Fiero’s. There is also fucking Killigans Red and Pete’s Wicked. These beers are usually drunk by high school kids who wish to be more sophisticated than their High Life counterparts. Their fathers were probably Michelob drinkers. Rolling Rock is for the athletic types who prefer their beer to be more like water with faint aftertaste. Rolling Rock light is for the people these types fuck in the ass. Corona is for white people who are really trying to make it though their Cinco De Mayo happy hour party and still load up on free chips and salsa.

Some of you might be thinking “hey I drink that I’m not _________!” You people are wrong, you’re _________ as fuck and you know it. Stop drinking weak shit and get some good beer because if you’re going to get drunk as fuck why pump yourself full of crap? You think race cars run on am/pm gas? No. Step your game up and buy some beer that will really wreck your shit up tomorrow morning. Fuck what any stoner says, hangovers are just another notch in the belt of a person who has proved that they can beat the shit out of any bitch ass hemp necklace.

*************************

Guest blogger Serg is a vet and without his pioneering work I wouldn’t be able to make my living as a blogger today. He’s put in work at So Many Shrimp and his own site Beer and Rap.

Comments for "Aluminum Cans"

  1. C’mon Serg… List off some REAL BEERS for the know-nots. I drink Guinness and Hoegaarden mainly, but don’t hate on any beer but a shitty one… There’s more good beers than days in the year though (thank fucking god), so drop some knowlege son.

    here’s some other fav’s of mine:

    * Anchor Steam (orginal, dummy)

    * Sierra Nevada Pale

    * Purple Haze

    * Dark Star IPA

    * Abbot Ale (got to be in that crazy ceramic bottle though, not that canned shit)

    so wussup Serg?


    — VoX    Jul 14, 02:19 PM   

  2. Whatever happened to rappers shouting out beer anyways? You’d think one of those crystal sipping guys would just want a cold one on occasion.


    — Sach    Jul 14, 02:33 PM   

  3. “Pontiac Fieros”

    hahaha


    — David    Jul 14, 02:56 PM   

  4. vox

    I’d pass on the purple haze for some abita’s turbodawg, that shit is nice. The bock is good too.

    lately I’ve been rocking a lot of Rogue’s Dead Guy Ale, Full Sail’s Equinox , and Anchor Steam’s Porter. Bought a six of Asahi Black at the japantown market the other day. I was kind of suspect since the regular asahi is pretty weak but that shit was good.

    Speakeasy and lagunita’s IPA’s have been doing me really good also. While back Lagunitas dropped this dope as fuck Hunter S Thompson beer, that shit was fucking awesome.

    I don’t really have any one beer that I stay with. I like variety in my brews so I share the love. Some days I feel like smashing cans and might grab a six of rainer tallboys. Other days I’ll get a bottle of fancy ass arrogant bastard.

    While I might talk shit about people who drink weak beer that’s not saying I won’t drink it if that’s all I got. Because the one thing about beer, shitty and good, is that you will still get loaded off that shit no matter what.


    — SergDun    Jul 14, 10:34 PM   

  5. After last night, I feel like adding that Colt 45 is best reserved as a pipe cleaner and is not fit for human consumption. This may appear obvious in retrospect but hindsight is 20/20.


    — Sach    Jul 16, 09:03 PM   

  6. best post yever. 1 vote for more on the topic


    — myname    Jul 16, 09:40 PM   

  7. Stella Artois.

    The end.


    — A to the L    Jul 22, 04:55 PM   

  8. Hey man why all the hostility. I also love drinking beer thing is I’m from Canada and most of our brands taste good. And the American brands brewed here taste juuuuuust fine but have more of a kick than american brewed in fact the most popular are Bud and Coors,but too each is own. Just keep enjoying and Cheers my fellow Serg!


    — Serg    Jan 23, 07:40 PM   

  9. As an American I’ll be the first to say Canadian beer is just better. Except maybe for Leinenkugel. And Guinness still stomps a mudhole in all of them. Guinness is the beer that lets you KNOW you’re drinking beer.


    — DJ Flash    Jan 24, 06:40 AM   

  10. Newcastle Brown Ale draft or bottle preferably draft is my favorite because it tastes like a fucking beer should taste

    second comes Yeungling because it never disappoints

    but I’m open to new brews anyday

    ps the one thing i learned in high school

    Milwaukee’s Best turns your shit orange sorta clay colored its fucked up


    — Dr. Leo Spaceman    Feb 19, 08:39 PM   

  11. I agree with the hostility. Why? Because if you’re going to do something, do it fucking right! If you’re going to drink beer, drink good beer like the aforementioned or some funky local brew. If you’re going to drink cheap beer, don’t waste your time with that commercialized shit, go as low as you can go. How many of you can say you’ve polished off a case of Blatz returnable bottles in a day?


    — Adam    Mar 29, 07:18 PM   

  12. How many of you can say you’ve polished off a case of Blatz returnable bottles in a day?

    About the same number of people who can say the spent the entire next day on the shitter with a case of the Splatz.


    — Mister Whirly    Jun 24, 12:21 PM