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Some List · by Rafi Kam
“W-Why is tonight different than other nights?”
Wilbur was so nervous it made him stammer. Being a pig, he had never been invited to a seder before. Charlotte had told Wilbur that since he was the youngest in the stable it would be his job to ask some questions during the dinner. He was mighty nervous but remembered Charlotte’s advice to speak clearly and not rush. Wilbur felt good when he saw Laney the goose nodding in approval as he finally got the awkward words out.
“Tonight is different,” Charlotte replied from her web, “because tonight we remember how two rap bloggers compiled the internets’ favorite hip-hop albums of all time and the fallout that followed.”
Wilbur stuck to the script, “Why do we eat these strange foods tonight?”
Charlotte looked down at her Seder plate. “Tonight you eat these 25 strains of hay that have been voted on by the horses as the finest blends around to remember the process of collaborative voting at the heart of the list compiled by Jeff and Joey. Except for me, I can’t digest hay but in the spirit of the occasion will be eating my favorite 25 species of insect which, as you can see, have already been tied up in my web and are now all quivering while they wait for the baruch atah and the blood-draining. Next on the plate-”
Charlotte looked up and saw the puzzled expression on Wilbur’s face. She interrupted the ceremony.
“Is something wrong, my dear?”
“I just don’t understand why we need to remember this series of internet events. Isn’t hip-hop blogging something just for the humans?”
“Remember Wilbur, sometimes human-folk need to be shown signs by the animals. They mean well but sometimes they can miss things. Take Fern for instance. Fern is a lovely girl but it hasn’t occurred to her yet what a remarkable thing has occurred online last week. She needs a little help. That’s why I’ve spun this web right over her PowerBook that says ‘SOME LIST’. Now the next time Fern is browsing the internets she may realize this wasn’t just your ordinary list to be thrown aside after it had been assembled, displayed, dissected and defended. Hardly! This is a list we need to keep celebrating, attacking and defending forevermore!”
“But what if Fern still doesn’t see that?”
“Wilbur, this is 2007 and we live in a global stable. It’s not just about Fern anymore. We have animals all over the place sharing the story of the miracle of the list that burned for eight days and then the tragic destruction of the second canon. So even if most people don’t get it, some people will see the signs and for those few that get it and it will have great meaning for them. You have read The Long Tail haven’t you?”
“Not yet, but I have the audiobook.”
“Animals are leaving signs everywhere. In England, there’s a story this week about two gay flamingos who adopted a neglected flamingo chick. Don’t you see? Jeff and Joey are the gay flamingos – Carlos and Fernando. Or maybe Jeff is Fernando and Joey is Carlos. In any case, the abandoned chick is the canon of great hip-hop albums. The two gay flamingo hip-hop bloggers can’t create the hip-hop canon themselves, so they have to adopt. I think it’s clear for all those who seek the truth.”
All of the sudden, Chicken Little burst in on the scene. “T.I. is balling! T.I. is balllll-ing!”
And then Chicken Little was gone as quickly as she had appeared.
“Wilbur, that’s your cue…”
“Oh, right.” Wilbur remembered the third question he had to ask. “What’s everybody so mad at the South for?”
“Yes, today we also remember how the construction of the top 25 list was attacked by the zealots Sean Fennessey and noz for its lack of regional diversity and for being made up almost entirely of albums from when rap music was really good.”
Charlotte explained how the recent virgin birth by a shark at a zoo in Nebraska was a sign representing this piece in the rap spreadsheet saga. A female shark had created an embryo without a male to fertilize her. Her offspring was had no male DNA and was an exact genetic duplicate of the mother. True believers immediately recognized this as a sign and argued that this shark was making a point about the lack of diversity on The List. But later in the week a splinter sect appeared which interpreted the same sign to represent a critique of Sean Fennessey and noz because their posts attacking The List were cut from the same genetic make-up.
Wilbur was getting confused and sleepy but he had another question to go, “Why do we eat pepper sandwiches with salt-water?”
“The salt-water is to remember the tears and suffering of free blogger Brandon Soderberg who in his post ‘Paid Bloggers are Assholes’ lamented the fact that Sean and noz had not linked to a previous post of his even though they had read it. The sausage and pepper sandwich is served without sausage to represent their crime – no links.”
“I don’t understand, Charlotte.”
“Between you and me, nobody really gets that one.”
After dinner the animals played pretend statistical analysis with their own imaginary lists.
Charlotte had one more story to tell. It was about a group of water buffalo, lions and even a crocodile who had performed their own List-ery Play for a group of humans. Sadly those humans didn’t get the message but they did post the video on YouTube and, as the sleepy animals watched the video, Charlotte explained what all the symbols really meant.
Comments for "Some List"
I think you just broke Hip Hop blogging.
This makes Ohword the indiscriminate vultures praying on the carcasses of both friend and foe.
— Sach May 29, 02:10 PM
The herd hath spoken. Corporate funded bloggers are asshats.
— Dallas May 29, 03:13 PM
>>“I don’t understand, Charlotte.”
“Between you and me, nobody really gets that one.”>>
This is great. : ]
— brandonsoderberg May 29, 06:35 PM
asshats? i’m doubting that was a subliminal. but, in case any majors are listening: i LOVE corporate funding. and mid-90s new york hip hop. and dick king-smith. etc.
— ass hat May 29, 06:52 PM
can we at least all agree that Charlotte’s Web is a TOP 25 HIP HOP CHILDRENS BOOK?
— noz May 29, 07:28 PM
smorgasboard smorgasboard
— weezy c baby May 29, 07:44 PM
Whoa @ post
— David May 29, 11:34 PM
is buffalo considered ‘beef?’
— extra penis May 30, 12:31 AM
“Not yet, but I have the audiobook.” Thank You Thank You Thank You.
— Ream_Team May 30, 06:55 AM
I’m gonna have a pepper sandwich for lunch
— Zilla Rocca May 30, 10:24 AM
This is good. I don’t get over here enough.
— LM Jun 2, 07:38 PM
Can’t say the idea of unleavened bread makes my stomach drool, but I definitely can’t get enough of some hip-hop ear candy.
— DJ Flash Jun 5, 03:00 AM
So nice I read it twice. Classic.
— 911 Jun 11, 12:20 AM