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Curtis Milhouse Jackson Concedes Defeat to J.F.Kanye · by Rafi Kam
The mood is somber at Fifty Cent campaign headquarters tonight. Although the final tally won’t be announced until sometime tomorrow morning, it has become clear from exit polls that the winner is the young upstart JFKanye.
“We’re all still fairly shocked by the outcome,” an anonymous G-Unit insider revealed. “Fifty did the honorable thing though and called Kanye to congratulate him. We had trouble dialing out at first because Camron and the Koch people have been pranking here all night.”
After languishing as second in command of hip-hop for eight years, it was presumed by many that Curtis Milhouse Jackson would take over the highest seat now that the incumbent Dwight Eisen-Hova had been forced out of the game by term limitations. But at campaign headquarters, “I run New York” banners now litter the floor like so many discarded Vitamin Water bottles.
Most experts say that Jackson went wrong by coming across as phony in his televised appearances against the more likable Kanye-dy. At MTV’s VMA awards Jackson looked nervous. He tried to be tough as he towered over his opponent but there was a fear and bewilderment in his eyes – and not just from the Britney performance.
“50’s televised appearances may have cost him the election. You simply can’t let people see you sweat,” says political analyst Sharon Bain of the opponents face-up. “I mean there was the ‘In the Club’ video where he was running shirtless on a treadmill the whole time. But that was a sexy sweat. Sexy shirtless sweat is permissible. But scared of losing your title to a middle class twerp sweat is not sexy. Not even a little bit.”
And so a country ready for change has chosen the liberal candidate with a hopeful message about Touching the Sky over the imposing hardliner who only seems to have passion for spreading his capitalistic message to the world.
50 spoke with an utterly confused Springfield reporter and claimed he would be keeping true to his word about retiring.
“You won’t have Curtis Jackson to kick around anymore because this is my last interview,” said the defeated candidate before adding a pensive (and hopefully final) “G-g-g-g Unit.”
Comments for "Curtis Milhouse Jackson Concedes Defeat to J.F.Kanye"
ya’ll crazy
— Hashim Warren Sep 17, 07:50 PM
LOL at Cam’ron and the Koch people pranking all day.
— B. Ware tha Siniq Sep 17, 08:19 PM
“We had trouble dialing out at first because Camron and the Koch people have been pranking here all night.” = $ Quote!
— Thadd Clark Sep 17, 08:35 PM
echoing comments 2 and 3.
— sankofa Sep 17, 09:33 PM
LOL
— drum bum Sep 18, 12:07 AM
Rafi,
Lovely take on the 50/Kanye situation. After he stops crying, do you think that’s really it for Curtis?! Everything’s crossed over here…
Take it easy,
Dan
— Dan Sep 18, 03:36 AM
curtissssssss!
— khal Sep 18, 10:27 AM
the truck or the lamby, cam be stuffed in some candy.
still laughin’ at the cam’ron shit
— doug bummy Sep 18, 11:28 AM
these get funnier by the day! excellent work.
— ron mexico Sep 18, 01:39 PM
obviously this JFYe is a Communist
— T.R.E.Y. Sep 18, 08:11 PM
This was too funny. Love it.
— Perttu Sep 19, 06:21 AM
Incidentally, Nixon’s my favorite president ever. The whole retirement gimmick reminded me of the infamous “you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore” speech.
— Tray Sep 19, 06:43 PM
Well It’s About Time
HaHa
G – g – g – g – G-UNOT
— CJ Sep 30, 06:17 AM
pizz off tray
— kobbiey Nov 26, 06:34 AM